Stuff I've gotten in e-mails

The Worlds Thinnest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg

ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Barney Frank (D-Mass) & Boy George

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill CLinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by PETA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

And the worlds thickest book :

How to Organize a Two-Car Funeral
US Government Manual

Male or Female?
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go any where, you have to light a fire under their butt

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Philosophy of Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. --- So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

When Hallmark Writers Have a Bad Day

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you;
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!

Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)

How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby???

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you.

Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would
leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time...
What do ya say we call it quits?

I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Did you ever find out who the father was?)

You are such a good friend that if we were
on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, and
Mississippi)

Differences Between Women And Men
                                 
                                 1.NAMES
 
 
  If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
  each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
 
  If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
  each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy! .
 
 
 
                                2.EATING OUT
 
  When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,
  even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
  smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
 
  When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
 
 
                             3.MONEY
 
  A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
 
  A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
 
 
                                 4.BATHROOMS
 
  A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
  a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
 
  The average number of items in the typical woman's! bathroom is 337.
  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
 
 
                                 5.ARGUMENTS
 
  A woman has the last word in any argument.
 
  Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.
 
 
                                   6.CATS
 
  Women love cats.
 
  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
 
                                  7.FUTURE
 
   A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 
   A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 
                                  8.SUCCESS
 
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
 
                                 9.MARRIAGE
 
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.
 
 
                              10.DRESSING UP
 
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
    garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
 
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
 
                                 11.NATURAL
 
   Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
 
   Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
 
                                12.OFFSPRING
 
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
   dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
   fears and hopes and dreams.
 
   A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
 
                           13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
 
  Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 

Some Driving Quotes
[My favorites are in red]

The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry. ~John Jensen

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.  ~Mary Ellen Kelly

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.  ~Peter De Vries

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.  ~Author Unknown

Your grandchildren will likely find it incredible - or even sinful - that you burned up a gallon of gasoline to fetch a pack of cigarettes!  ~Dr. Paul MacCready, Jr.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.  ~Albert Einstein

The car has become the carapace, the protective and aggressive shell, of urban and suburban man.  ~Marshall McLuhan, Understanding Media

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.  ~Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.  I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.  ~Steven Wright

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.  ~Author Unknown

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.  ~Lewis Mumford

Each year it seems to take less time to fly across the ocean and longer to drive to work.  ~Author Unknown

The elderly don't drive that badly; they're just the only ones with time to do the speed limit.  ~Jason Love

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.  ~Doug Larson

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.  ~Jason Love

Road sense is the offspring of courtesy and the parent of safety.  ~Australian Traffic Rule, quoted in Quotations for Special Occasions by Maud van Buren

On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park.  ~Curtis McDougall

I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.  ~Author Unknown

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way. ~Sam Levenson

There are two things no man will admit he cannot do well: drive and make love. ~ Sterling Moss

A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.~Unknown

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.~ Ben Bergor  

Farmer's Advice

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
 
Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
 
Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
 
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
 
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
 
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
 
Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
 
Forgive your enemies.  It messes up their heads.
 
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
 
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
 
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
 
Every path has a few puddles.
 
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
 
The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
 
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
 
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
 
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
 
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
 
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
 
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
 
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
 
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
 
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
 
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.
 
Always drink upstream from the herd.
 
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
 
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
 
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Techno weenie tribute to "T'was the Night Before Christmas"....
Excerpts from Airline Repair Sheets...

Ah, the power of words. I've always liked Hemingway and Churchill was truly a class act but my favorite here is from Robert Redford. We will all have occasion to use it I'm sure.

When insults had class...


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --
Winston Churchill (about Clement Attlee)

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" --
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." --
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --
Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new Play, bring a friend... if you have one." --
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." --
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." --
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." --
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." --
Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." --
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." --
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." --
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." --
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." --
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination." --
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --
Billy Wilder

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America. They are
things people actually said in court - word for word - taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

AND THE BEST ONE FOR LAST ..

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

OLD people have problems that most others haven't even considered yet!
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam.
 
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
 
The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him
the jar which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
 
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still
nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing."
 
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?!"
 
The old man replied, "Yep, and none of us could get this jar open."

RIDDLE - Can you guess what it is?

  • Schwarzenegger has a big one.
  • Michael J.  Fox has a small one.
  • Madonna doesn't have one.
  • The Pope has one but doesn't use his.
  • Clinton uses his all the time.
  • Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
  • Liberace never used his on women.
  • Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
  • Cher claims that she took on 3.
  • We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

Can you guess what it is?

Answer below!  (this is pretty good )

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

The answer is: "A Last Name."
(You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?)

I don’t think she was blond...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

Darwin Awards, 2006

It's that time again . . . The Darwin Awards are finally out--the annual honor given to the person(s) who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

And the nominees are:

  • Semifinalist #1: A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. (You gotta feel sorry for his sister!)
  • Semifinalist #2: Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
  • Semifinalist #3: A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other>end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
  • Semifinalist #4: A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
  • Semifinalist #5: Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
  • And now, ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award: The Finalist: The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An Amateur Rocket Scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He >attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO! The facts (as best as could be determined) are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles -- and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420 mph, though much of his voyage was not on the ground.
The following were actually taken from classified ads and headlines in newspapers

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------------
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
-----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN
1988 MUSTANG, 5L,
AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
--------------------------------
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
---------------------------------
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
---------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-----------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
-----------------------------------
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
----------------------------------
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED ***************
CALL CHUBBIE ***************
-------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
--------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT.
BEEN OUT AWHILE.
BETTER BE REWARD.
---------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED
-------------------------------------------
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
------------------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED
$100
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
--------------------------------------------
NOTICE:
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE
LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR
SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE
PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE
RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE
DEAD.
-----------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
-----------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
----------------------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY
----------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
------------------------------
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
----------------------------------
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY
SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
----------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
--------------------------------------
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
-----------------------------------------------
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 Lb.
---------------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No
longer needed. Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls A
ND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

A UCLA Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

FIVE GREAT LESSONS:

* First Important Lesson ~ Most Important Lesson
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'." "I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Second Important Lesson ~ Pick up in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

Third Important Lesson ~ Always Remember Those Who Serve You
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied." The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

Fourth Important Lesson ~ The Obstacle In Our Path
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

Fifth Important Lesson ~ Giving When It Counts
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll Do it if it will save her..." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then, his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?" Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

The Top Ten Things Men Know "FOR SURE" About Women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. They have boobs.

Grab the rifle honey, dinner is here...........