"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddy's, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and the other to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'cover me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population : you."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-asses. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons in church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding 'you're making a scene.'"